I love being a mum.
My Loves.
7 Months To Long.
I have no excuse.
Blogging has been at the end of my list of priorities over the past 7 months. The distraction of pregnancy is quite overwhelming.. even more so when you know you are two weeks away from child birth. That is probably the most daunting thought floating around in my head at the moment.
Quite a turn in my life, though many that know me aren’t suprised by that. Life never consistently stays on one road for me - allbeit by my own choices. This little side road was not on my immediate map of the future but that’s what I kind of like about it the most.
It’s insane to think that in a matter of days/weeks I am going to be a mum.. the one thing I have dreamt of since I can remember.. I haven’t quite got my head around the reality of it yet because I have no idea what to expect. (In terms of what he is going to look like and what his temperament will be)
I am excited to meet him.
His name is Noah.
A month too long..
It has been far too long between my writings. I could relay a whole bunch of ineffective yet valid excuses, however, I will be honest and tell you that my head space for the past month has been compromised - causing me to completely and utterly forget that I once blogged quite frequently. True story.
My life has always been eventful. So much so that it became the norm for me - despite the constant reminders from those around me that it was infact very very unique. A month has passed since my last update and a small part of me wishes sometimes that I could answer the question “whats news?” with “not much”
Alas, I wouldnt change a single thing about my life to date. If i could say that I had regrets it would mean that I never experienced the opportunities to learn and grow as a person.
As the time calls for it, I will begin telling my stories of the last 30 days.
24
Tomorrow I turn 24 and it’s going to be my first ever birthday that I will celebrate without my family. That sunk in this morning and it made me sad because I am such a traditionalist when it comes to family rituals. My mum would buy a cake and fail to hide it from me, with their words my parents would tell me they didnt have time to get me anything this year but with their eyes I would know they had. My youngest sister would explode with excitement because for some reason she was always more excited about other people’s birthdays over her own and would furiously wrap me up one of her old toys because being so young she couldn’t afford to buy me something.
Being away from home this year has made me realise just how much I appreciated all of those small things about my family. Growing up with three younger sisters was the best gift my parents could have ever given me, my favourite times are when I can sit down with them, sift through all of our memories and laugh all night. Every christmas my parents would go above and beyond their means to make it more amazing than the last, im now nearly 24yrs old and I still hold onto all the little things that we would do as a family that made us special.
Mum tells me that I cant keep expecting her to creep in my room on christmas eve with a sack full of presents for the end of my bed because im too old now.
WHAT A JOKE! hahaha, immature?
But in all seriousness..I refuse to hear those words because to me, its not the presents in the sack - its the memories of waking up with the girls and ripping wrapping paper apart together and fighting over who got the best stuff that I love.
I am sentimental, small things mean the world to me and this birthday is going to be amazing but it wont be the same without my family.
Special.
The other night my boyfriend wrapped me in quilts because im sick and he worried I was cold.
That simple action warmed my soul.
He is special beyond my what my words can describe.
And he is mine.
A Saddened Heart.
Lastnight as I waited outside of the old Pak n Save for my friend to finish shopping, I was approached by an unusual looking lady. Her hair was messy and her two front teeth looked like they were covered in nutella, she smiled and stood next to me.
My natural inside reaction was to judge. My body language soon adjusted to my feelings and indicated that I wasn’t interested in talking. Of course, this lady had absolutely no concept of social cues and decided to go right ahead and spark up a conversation with me. Politely, I obliged.
As she began to talk more and more, my heart started to soften towards her. She spoke of her schizophrenia whilst assuring me she was on her meds and was not crazy, she told me stories of how the people she lived with teased her and pulled her hair. Not once did I pick up on any hint of a sympathy ploy, her demeanour was absolutely lovely. She didn’t ask for anything; instead she showed such great interest in me as a person and was so content to just have someone to talk to.
She continued to speak and I let my eyes discreetly wander over her, I noticed that she was holding her arms in close to her body as she was cold, the plastic bag she was carrying had nothing in it but an empty plastic container and her handbag she held so proudly was dirty and worn.
After awhile, she decided that it was time for her to walk home. I felt so sad that she had to walk on such a cold night and back to a place that wasn’t at all welcoming. I gave her an easter egg that I had and her face lit up so brightly that I could have almost found the need to shield my eyes. She put it in her bag and set off for her walk home.
I barely had a moment to let our meeting sink in when she returned. I heard my name and I looked up, her face popping around the corner bearing a concerned expression. She said “Sian, are you going to be alright?” .. I smiled and said I would be just fine and she was gone again.
Here I am, sitting and waiting for my friend who is amazing to me - who is going to drop me off to a nice warm house where I have a bed to sleep in and friends who come over and spend time with me.. and this lady, who has nothing - worries about ME? It was in this moment that my heart sank so deeply into my chest I was worried I wouldn’t ever be able to pull it back out again.
The complete and utter selflessness of this lady just tore me to shreds. It made me want to punch myself for originally being so judgmental towards someone who showed me love and acceptance REGARDLESS of who I was. Her concern for me touched me so much that it moved me to tears. Thoughts of any selfish act id ever committed came flooding into my head, my heart just wanted to rip me down from my pedestal and take me to the people like her out there that are just looking for someone to talk to.
I want to be that person for others.
What is it Like?
I am sitting here tonight and wondering what it must feel like to not care about people, to be able to dettach yourself from their emotions and upsets.
Are those people living a life of more freedom than I?
Are they happier, more content?
I sometimes envy them. I used to know one very well.. days and days would go by and no matter what his friends said, did or didnt do - his level of concern was non existant. If his family were happy with him or not - it didnt matter. If he had hurt his girlfriend, you would never know he felt remorse. It wasn’t that this friend wasn’t able to show his emotions, it was simply that he had one priority only.
Himself.
I never could wrap my head around his thinking or his approaches, I so envied that he could walk through this life unaffected by anything going on around him. Why do I feel everything? Both MY emotions as well as those of everyone else I meet?
What must it be like to rarely feel compassion? To not ever invest your heart into anything outside of your own ego? It’s a feeling that I will never experience, no matter how hard I try. There is no way to mute the thoughts that I have for others and no way to intercept those thoughts when they are on their way to my heart. I know I shouldn’t complain, I do love people very much and I would never want to change that because deep down it brings me alot of joy.
But some days I just want to know what it’s like for those other people.
My Bestfriend Megs.
Dear Diary.
I am not usually fond of the “dear diary” approach to blogs but today I am going to conform because I want to.
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I accomplished something. I drove all the way to the Mount on my own, you may not understand so I will explain in 4 words.
I AM FROM SYDNEY.
Enough said.
The drive was quite nice, being on my own and having the freedom of possessing a car for the night was overwhelming. The purpose for my spontaneous road trip was to spend the night with my friend Rachel.. I was bursting at the seams with excitement as I had gifts for her and was looking forward to drinking gin and tonic whilst stuffing our faces with food. If you haven’t met Rachel, you wont understand how worth it the 90 minute drive was (aswell as knowing I would have to leave before 6am to get back for work) I hate that she lives so far away, even though her house is amazing and she literally has the most awesome bathroom in NZ.
I am absolutely shattered today but I am still smiling because I had such a great night, it’s so nice to be reminded that I have some amazing friends over here. Rachel is one of the most genuine, beautiful and kind people I know and I just feel so honoured to have her in my life.
Today is going to be a good day.
Family Guy Moment.
Lois: I swear, sometimes I feel like I am married to a child
Peter: You better watch who you are calling a child Lois because if im a child, that makes you a peadophile and ill be DAMNED if im going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert!
That Voice Inside
I am a fiend for ignoring the voice inside my head, the one that tells me the right things to do in life and the one my dad constantly tries to remind me of. I know it is there and I know what it is trying to tell me but at the time, it’s yelling all the things I dont want to hear. A reminder of my stubborness should be inserted here.
The words and guidance of this voice are always laced with pure and good intentions but they dont have the power to break through my heart and into my head. Is anyone else familiar with this?
Lately I have found myself squeezing my eyes shut tightly and really trying to concentrate on what it is trying to tell me each day. It’s not an enjoyable experience as my heart thinks it rules my body (and my sleeve) and tends to want to call all the shots regardless of their consequences for my life but I feel like im slowly starting to listen.
Slowly.
My Bestfriend.
Megan is my bestfriend in the whole entire world - noone compares, it’s as simple as that. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. If she asked me to fly to the ends of the earth tomorrow to get her some chicken nuggets without sauce, I wouldn’t think twice about booking my flight. It doesn’t matter what I throw at her, she is always there to catch it and give it back beautifully wrapped with her encouragement, understanding and love. She has the power to make me smile through tears and laugh when I feel angry. I love her with every part of my heart and soul and not a day goes by that im not grateful for her friendship.
I love you Megs.
Photoshoot.
